It was happening again…

She was shut down like a clam, no budging, no words, no engagement.

This was the perfect opportunity to practice what I was learning and I could hear author Jennifer Kolari’s wise words:

Connect before you correct!

Mirroring the emotions of my children is not my first instinct.

Drilling down on the outward behavior, the unintentional disrespect, and the time being lost is more natural. I want to make everything right as fast as possible.

But this time I didn’t rush the process.

This time I made space for her to breathe as we slowed down together.

I asked questions, reflected on her emotions, and mirrored her feelings. I created a safe place.

The intimate details of this story aren’t what matters today.

What matters is, while outward behavior did not change instantly, something deeply hopeful was happening internally — in both of us!

And then another hard moment came just a few weeks later, but this time I heard the verses from James 1:2-3:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

I felt a strange sense of excitement that good was coming and this was the catalyst I’d been praying for.

When we hit the third occurrence of this tough scenario in just a few months, I knew it was time for a deeper, longer, more nuanced conversation.

Understanding the hearts of our children—their reactions, their needs, the way they process struggles—is a master’s degree unto itself.

I'm geared to resolve and move on quickly but many people, including my husband and a few of my kids, need more space and time!

A way I’ve learned to bridge the gap, both in time and connection, is through an intentional posture.

The CALM technique

I came across the CALM technique a couple of months ago when I heard Jennifer Kolari on the Carey Nieuwholf Leadership podcast, episode #437. While Jennifer works a lot with families and children, you will hear in this excellent interview how the techniques apply to our adult relationships as well.

In her book, Connected Parenting, Jennifer Kolari unpacks the CALM technique and gives us a framework to guide our heart position as we seek to care for the people we interact with on a day-to-day basis.

C - CONNECT
A - AFFECT
L - LISTEN
M - MIRROR

Connect

Connect is when we put everything aside and make it clear we are fully present.

When I try to multi-task through situations, podcast playing in one ear while my other ear is half-listening, I grow more and more disconnected from the hearts I’m longing to protect and guide.

Connect means you are ALL in—body, mind and soul—for that pocket of time!

Affect

Affect is about entering into the emotions and feelings of the other person.

Whether grinning or sobbing, you go there with them.

You don’t fix, correct, redirect; you listen, accept, welcome.

Listen

Think about a time you felt heard and understood. What was the other person doing?

Listen is the climax of this process, where you paraphrase, ask questions, and offer the rare gift of feeling heard by trying to understand!

(I wrote a bit about our need to listen in an Instagram post earlier this fall.)

Mirror

Mirror, is just as it sounds; the person sees their heart in your eyes. They gain perspective as they experience your sincere efforts to reflect and empathize.

Tips

• offer at least 3 mirroring statements before trying to guide or correct

• use baby play and physical touch to repair your bond on an ongoing basis

• consider each child’s love language as you grow in connection

I have the joy of working through many of these concepts with a wonderful group of moms and my good friend, who is a Marriage and Family Therapist, at our next quarterly event for homeschool moms.

As home educators, we live in the petri dish of our children’s emotions.

A wild experiment.

It can be hard to know where grace should cover or love should uncover.

But this is one of the treasures found in all the time we share together, nearly 24/7.

We grow to discern when it is time to unpack and dig deep with our children, so they can experience God’s beautiful inner healing!

When my husband and I see a pattern that is starting to look more like a root of woundedness or sin in one of our children, we set up a meeting.

I am always amazed at the shift I see after the three of us gather for these heart-to-heart conversations.

Unknowingly, my husband and I would do the things in the CALM technique in these more focused meetings, and I realized I needed to do them in our day-to-day interactions too!

It makes all the difference:

• when your child feels seen, heard, known, and loved

• when they are lifted up and encouraged

• when they are prayed for and renewed

As you may have guessed, recently we had one of these meetings with the child who was struggling.

It was beautiful, it wasn’t a fix-all but we have seen a trajectory of self-awareness and resilience.

We gained a shared language for what was going on and established better boundaries and expectations for these inevitable triggering times.

We were also able to recognize a generational connection and repent and pray through it.

Parenting our children this way requires us to reflect on how we were parented, where we are triggered, and where we need to understand and heal through our own stories!

The only reason I dare write about parenting this early on the journey is that I have hope that God will do His good work in our children, in His time, as we take joy in trials, persevere in love, and continue to learn how to regulate our own emotions and allow the Lord to heal our own hearts.

Here's a printable to help you intentionally make a deeper connection with your child!

Resources by Jennifer Kolari

Podcast: Connected Parenting
Book: Connected Parenting—how to raise a great kid
Book: You are Ruining My Life—surviving the teenage years with connected parenting