Loving Our Kids on Purpose
We all want to be good parents but life has stresses, limitations, and even pandemics that add to the ever-present struggle!
I may wait another decade before writing my own parenting advice but reading Danny Silk's book again, Loving Our Kids on Purpose: Making a Heart-to-Heart Connection, has renewed my focus!
I pray this book reflection gives you hope.
The Heart of the Matter
Loving Our Kids On Purpose begins with a paradigm shift from obedience and compliance to love and freedom!
Fear is often our default for ‘control' but God did not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7), He left us the Holy Spirit as an internal compass and counselor.
Our mission is to guide our children to recognize the still small voice of the Holy Spirit.
Many nights I'd knock on my parents' door to process my heart's questions or struggles. One night, as my parents were quietly praying for me, I knocked on their door. The Holy Spirit had convicted me to apologize after a rough day.
In the safety of our homes, we get to teach our children how to handle freedom and choice!
But first, we need to manage our anxiety so we can protect our connection.
Changing Our Truth Filters
Silk encourages us to start by asking:
"What did I learn to be true in childhood, and are those beliefs really the truth?"
This will help us to identify what we are subconsciously instilling in the hearts of our own children. It took until my early thirties for me to understand a repeated message in this book:
"You can't control other people, and no one can control you but you."
The sooner we learn this and teach it to our children the better! With this revelation, Silk asks another challenging question:
"Can you manage you no matter what your kids are doing?"
You know, when your kids spill food coloring all over the carpet or when your teenager wrecks the car? Can you manage yourself? Silk says:
"The spiritual environment in our homes really boils down to the presence of either fear or love no matter what your intention or goals are as a parent..."
He goes on to encourage us to take Proverbs 18:21 seriously and realize the power of our tongue.
Words of affirmation were a gift my dad gave me regularly. They not only gave me vision but they connected me to His heart. I was internally motivated to please him from a relationship rather than an external force of rules or restrictions.
Protecting Your Garden
"We can only offer to others what we ourselves have." —Danny Silk
Guarding my morning quiet times sets the tone for my day and fills me up so I can pour out. Silk counsels:
"A great way to set healthy limits in our relationships is to get good at telling other people what we're going to do, and then letting them decide how they want to deal with that."
In the book, Silk also offers a number of one-liners to assist in maintaining loving boundaries and a healthy environment. Still, these default phrases (like "probably so") must be said lovingly, with soft eyes and a smile! They are a tool to help you empathize without engaging in a battle.
Choices
God gave us freedom and choice right from the garden of Eden and Silk encourages us to do the same:
"Making room for people to choose is what builds a culture of honor.”
Three Guidelines for Choices:
Offer two powerful options (both should be choices you'd be happy with).
Make sure they understand the choices (ask questions to clarify).
Have a plan to enforce your choices with consequences (so they aren't picking plan C).
When enforcing consequences always follow through, showing you are trustworthy. It is important we do this when we are not reacting in anger. Silk cautions:
"Anger, even passive-aggressive, distracts from the issue at hand and weakens the connection between the two of you."
Rather than nagging and threatening a teenager who isn’t cleaning their room, just give them the option to do it by a certain deadline or explain how you will provide that service for a set fee or hourly rate. Silk goes on to remind us:
"…consequences are some of the best teachers. And sadness and empathy help to keep the focus on the real problem, the poor choice, while sending the message that you care about the person who made it. But anger violates and sabotages the very goals that you most desire for your children when they fail..."
Instead of getting mad, get sad. Be vulnerable. Show your hurting heart.
The Holy Spirit draws close to comfort, convict, and counsel when we fail—not withdraw, threaten, or punish!
The ultimate goal is that our children can thrive on their own without us directing their every step. Silk says:
"By simply trying to get our kids to do what we want, we miss a golden opportunity — the opportunity to teach our children how to think for themselves, to problem-solve, to make responsible choices both within and outside of our presence."
Protecting and Building Heart Connections
When dealing with disrespect it can be helpful to give the child space to think it over and consider how to make things right. Silk says:
"The difference between punishment and discipline is a powerful child is involved in making decisions about how to clean up the mess, punishment is when the adult makes all the decisions in the situation."
We guide our kids in the reconciliation process by asking really good questions to help them strengthen their internal compass.
3 Things for Kids to Learn From Mistakes:
Choices on the outside can create hurt on the inside.
They are capable of creating solutions to their problems.
Their parents are sources of wisdom, available to help as they go about creating solutions.
3 Messages to Send When Kids Make Mistakes:
You are sad for him because he has a problem.
You believe in his ability to figure out what to do and to do it.
You want your child to know that you are happy and willing to help him figure out what to do.
It was timely I read Silk’s words before investing a few hours helping a child clean their room last week:
“The goal isn't to get them to clean their room; it is to strengthen the connection to your heart. We will deal with the room, but if we lose the connection, we’ve lost the big stuff."
In the final pages, Silk shares a tear-jerking story about his teen daughter and a tough season they walked through as a family. Through his daughter’s faith struggle, he stayed soft, exposed his broken heart, and fought for their connection! Silk says:
"You cannot govern a teenager with rules. You can govern little ones with rules, but when kids begin to grow up, your influence will be determined by their value for their relationship with you."
Today you may feel like you have failed and need to hear Paul's words in Philippians 3: “Forgetting the past…I press on to reach the end...!”
As you do your own inner work of surrendering control, lowering your anxiety, and aligning to the love and freedom Christ died for on the cross you may appreciate going through the Integrity Project or using this Soul Care Guide.
And when a child asks for a cuddle,
a teen knocks on our door late at night,
or an adult child calls on the phone,
may we be safe places for their hearts to land!